日記

Even though we’re ok now, the couple-y things you say to me or do to me like “babe? :3” or cuddling etc. are all just BOLOGNA to me. Every time I look at you when we’re just hanging out, I can’t help, but say to myself how absolutely cute you are. The more you disrespect/hurt me, the more i want to completely push you out of my life. 

When I said you could go with her, but I don’t want you back, I meant it.
No way in hell am I sticking with someone who wants to explore other women and still be with me. The things you said to me last time we fought still hurts me. I end up crying out of no where these days. I want to push you away and forget I was ever with someone like you, but I can’t help it if I have feelings for you. You’re the only person I can do stupid things with laugh with and make memories to laugh about later on when we’re old and wrinkly. They say if you can deal with their annoying behavior, you really love that person. If I didn’t really love you, I wouldn’t be coming over all the time spending all my free time with you, dealing with your obnoxious behavior or taking care of you.

Living at home is the big part of my depression…I try to save money, but it’s hard when you don’t make much. Everyday I’m so busy as fuck with worries and concerns adding the load. My dad tells me I’m getting too skinny every time he sees me. The person I love most, doesn’t help much and the people I talk to are always busy…one day I’m gonna move away from everyone without a word. seriously.

Went to Choi’s kitchen last night for dinner. I don’t think he even knew it was our anniversary yesterday, but he offered dinner for his first paycheck. I didn’t want to say anything about out 1yr bc I’m still hurt after he returned stitch back to me. Even though things are ok between us, it’s not the same for me anymore. I changed my mind after we dropped off his brother, but I didn’t want to say anything only because I didn’t want to deal with his, “why are you so fucking indecisive” yelling. I didn’t want to do anything for our anniversary. There’s no reason to celebrate if I feel like things are different for us and that he can’t feel exactly the same way after what happened. It’s just gonna be a waste of time. 

I’m considering myself single now. These days you don’t seem like you appreciate me doing things for you anymore. we fight more often, but they’re small ones. Our last big fight was last fri afternoon. I’m getting tired of making the most effort in making us happy and fixing things between us! If you can’t love me they way I do for you, then why are you still with me? All you’ve been doing these days since our last big fight is being disrespectful. You refused to kill a spider for me today when YOU KNOW I’m terrified of them and then you get mad at me for not getting you a present for your last bday when you did AND THEN tell me I’m giving you the bitch attitude when I WASN’T!!
Everything now is always about you you you! I asked you to come to counseling with me fri just to see what john thinks, but you refused! If you’re just gonna wait until things really are done between us, then I might as well leave you and find someone else better. I don’t want to go through another one of those “there’s nothing wrong with us, stop worrying” bullshit. Until things are better between us, I’m single.

sometimes the things you say to me, I find it hard to believe in you even though a simple “I’m sorry” was said. The last fight we had 2 days ago or yesterday wasn’t even my fault! YOU were being stupid/childish when primerica called me when someone referred me and I declined them, vague with the plan you told me last fri and REALLY FUCKED UP with the messages you sent me calling me “easy”. You gave back stitch to me yesterday so i guess it was completely over between us. Then you asked me friday night to bring you your sweats and hoodie because you were cold. Instead I ignored it and went on with life and then you asked me to take you to the bank to deposit your check. I told you I’d be there at 10am…today when I got to your place you were still sleeping. then you tell me to come to your room. I just sat on the floor weeping for awhile until you pulled me into bed. I kept crying telling you “no! you called me easy and stupid!!” After that we were ok, but I’m still mad at you for what you said. FYI I’m NOT EASY!!! I find it hard that deep down you really do love me, but somewhere in you, there is a part of you that does bc of how much you love being yourself around me. They can be fucking annoying, but other times they make me laugh. So idk how to describe where I am now that you gave back stitch and deleted me from facebook AGAIN. 
i want you to come to support counseling with me.  

Sitting out on the porch with pad thai and beck’s beer with the people you care about most in your life is a nice way to relax. went to counseling today like every friday. I always look forward to counseling days because my support counselor understands what I’ve been through and what I’m currently going through. You can talk to him about anything and he won’t act like a parent. I wish counseling was an hour long instead of only 30min. The night when B and I talked over why I was still mad at him even though we made up, I mentioned about when I cried last mon morning when he told me to sleep on the bed bc i was hurt again and he didn’t know what to say. When I got home I forgot to mention about the nightmares about him I kept having when we fought. Sometimes my counselor worries about me because i tell him all the bad thing I do haha. tomorrow if B and I wake up early enough, we’ll go to Gamba (even though I prefer nrb) and coung’s 23rd later in the evening. I’ve DLed a few jay park songs and they’re pretty good. I like se7en’s last of diary song too. B is finally working now. He hates working cashier at mitsuwa, but unless he finds a better job then he can work there, but i prefer he didn’t since he uses MY CAR and i’m trying to save gas. 

LOL!

no fight today, aside from his nagging over stuff not really related to us.
even though we’re ok now, I’m still somewhat mad at him and still hurt too. Sat night he says we’re just friends now unless one of us changes. Even though he says we’re just friends, he still wants to do couple-y things with me (ie cuddling, hugging while sleeping, kissing etc.) seriously though, if we’re just friends then it makes absolutely no sense in doing couple stuff. I don’t want to refer you to ppl as my boyfriend anymore after what you said to me sat night. You say you want to be friends, but still want to do couple activities & whenever I say i want to take a break or whatever, you make an excuse just so we could keep seeing each other and you said you never really loved me as much so why should I stay with someone like you? In all honesty though, I do forget sometimes that we’re just friends, but only because you always look so happy being with me. No matter how hard I try to push him away, he always get what he wants. this guy is really really strong. I can’t help, but still have strong feelings for him even after that big fight we had. He did mention one time how he tries to be friends, but it’s hard to be just friends. He’s either hiding the fact that deep down he’s afraid of losing me to someone else, but it’s really up to him. If he fucks up, that’s it. If he really wants me back I WANT PROOF. Yesterday he said something about going to reno with this jennifer kwon person who kissed MY BOYFRIEND. even though he pushed her away and told her he likes her back, but can’t accept it, it brings an uneasy feeling. I told him, “ok go ahead, you can do whatever you want. I’m not stopping you, but if you guys fuck each other, that’s it.”
You really hurt me last sat. my parents knew when I started crying when I told them I was going out. everyone who has seen me with you or heard the way I talk about you understands how I feel about you. Any time you’re out with a girl you find cute, you better watch both your words and behavior! I’m not doing so much for you for nothing!! I wish you’d stop being such a complete asshole and tell me your real feelings instead of trying to hide it. If you lied about feeling the same, then it’s better if we just stay complete friends or I pretend I don’t know you.

day 3 and we’re still fighting.
you say we’re just friends now, but you still did stuff you like doing to me and still say I’m giving everyone the bitch attitude when I’m NOT. it’s just you! the things you’ve said to me are really hurtful. you say you dont care about me so why should I keep on wasting my time with your selfish ass?! don’t talk to me unless you realize a few things.

first day of work for b!! David said he was awkward just standing there at the cashier when there’s no ppl in line lolol! went to casey’s after work for a few drinks. left at 11. b and I just lied on his bed and the the convo just became about the 二子 and about us. no fights or any tears involved. cleared up the past things and suck. b already hates his job hahaha! I can’t imagine life without him. we’re always being stupid together. now he knows how I feel everyday after work! cunt.