日記

바보 and I went to pierre’s birthday party with gucci plus my friend from work, her husband, daughter and their 2 dogs. The party was soso since there was no music or decent beer, but there were so many dogs! I went to Japantown this morning with gucci since my student couldn’t come today and bought pierre a bday cake before picking up 바보 who was still sleeping by the time I got to his place….wtf? 2 of my aunts who I don’t like were there too and they kept telling me how skinny I got they didn’t recognize me. One of them said they wanted to have lunch with me..uh no. 바보 and I left around 4:30ish and watched robots at my house. dunno what we’re gonna do now since we’re just hanging out at his place. Tried out churro ice cream at my sister’s house. It was good, but I don’t like the churro chunks.

2 years

Last cinco de mayo was our 2 year anniversary. Last year I didn’t want to celebrate it because there was no reason to celebrate if he was gonna keep hiding our relationship from other people, but we already left the house so i didn’t say anything. This year I didn’t care if we celebrated or not, but we ended up eating out at tobang. I somewhat regretted celebrating because I don’t find anything special about anniversaries for some reason. If we’re still together, then we’re still together. we got the small family special for 2 people, but that was more for 3-4 people so we had a lot of leftovers. He always gives me a hard time, but every time I look at him, I always forget that he annoys the fuck out of me. His friends have seen us argue and have seen us call each other “faggot”. They all nod their heads agreeing that it’s love between the two of us. i guess it is….I can’t imagine myself with someone else or anyone else with him. sometimes I feel like he can find someone much better than me because I tend to screw up sometimes. that’s something I can’t talk to him about because it just upsets me even more. I told him too that if he wants to leave, then he can. I’m not staying with him just to constantly get hurt emotionally and physically. 

Stuffy/runny nose for 3 days now. I have to breath through my mouth also bc breathing in cold air hurts my nose. I sound like that guy from hey arnold !  바보 said i sound like a creeper hahaha!

Been feeling better these days, but he’s been getting really annoying. I really want to punch his face. one of my friends who was engaged recently broke up with her fiance and he kept harassing me to have a 3 way with her and saved her picture. I left and he asked me if I was coming back, but I yelled at him saying only if he deletes the photos. I’m fucking serious about him saving photos of my friends in MY LAPTOP! If he’s joking, it’s not funny at all!!

feel like my depression is getting worse day by day. every day I want to cry, but I don’t have anyone to talk to. I hide my tears from 바보 all the time just so he doesn’t have to deal with me.

does anyone not know what it’s like to suffer from depression or understand how hard it is to think positive things about yourself when you’ve been put down a lot through out your childhood?!?! since last week when I went to see john at counseling, I’ve been feeling down more often. we talked about my depression and how I’ve been feeling all week. I don’t talk to 바보 when I’m down bc he just either doesn’t understand certain things or I don’t want to be a burden. lately I feel like killing myself just to get away from everything. everything is depressing me. I have perscription pills, but I don’t take it. I lo e talking to kawaguchi-san and other ppl at work, but I hide my tears from everyone. I just want to be left alone when I cry, but I can’t be left alone while at work. you have to be careful with what you say/do around me. you’ll never know if it’ll upset me or not. when I’m upset I want to break EVERYTHING! 바보 doesn’t think I’m fat and stupid, but him telling me I’m not isn’t making me feel better because he use to call me that when we started dating. I’m sorry if I’m pathetic and cry like a bitch too much to some of you. I don’t believe in any of the positive things ppl tell me. I’m stressed out everyday, I’m fucking sensitive, feel useless everyday, the ppl I’m close to are always busy and my own bf doesn’t try his best to meet all my needs.

Since tues I’ve been feeling depressed over 바보 and his ex. It just happened out of now where. What came to mind was when the 3 of us went to the beach together and watching him with her felt like he was never with me, but with her the whole time. The note he wrote in his iphone said he had a dream that they were in the shower and he asked her something, she said “yes”, they embraced and it felt like a peaceful dream and he can finally get on with life. Even though he’s completely over her, I still get depressed every now and then. Wed I bought $10 worth of really fatty sweets like eclairs, 2 swiss rolls and cookies. I didn’t care how fat I was gonna get, but 바보 ate all the eclairs and one of the swiss rolls -__________-. I told him one time that if he ever gets involved with any of his ex gfs or with any girl i don’t know/approve of, I’d never want to see him again. It upsetted me because he really loved her until she left him even after she said not to worry. I’m ok now, but I still not willing to trust anyone with him unless I know her. Our 2 years is coming up in 2 months..2 years of calling each other “faggot” and biting each other (yeah tmi) as our way of saying “i love you”, but idk if I want to celebrate this year. last valentine’s day he took me out to dinner without me saying anything so I was happy. 

for one valentine’s day has been good to me! last year I made 바보 a bento, but he didn’t eat it until I got back from work saying he doesn’t celebrate it anymore after he and his ex gf broke up. even after he ate it, I got no thank you, no kiss, no hug, NOTHING!! you’re damn right I was down right furious at him. that’s why this year I wasn’t planning on doing anything since I was still mad at him, but he surprised me this year so I forgave him. at first he said we were going to michi, but I got confused bcos he took the highway to south sj. he tricked me a few days before making me think we were gonna go to michi haha. I don’t expect stuff like flowers or anything, but it’s the thought that counts. I still have the coupons michi gave me…we should use them before march :P since he made me very happy on valentine’s day, I love my 바보 even more :) shits going down if I see any girl I don’t know touch him. I’m fucking serious.